there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
