I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize