Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
