I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
