I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize