Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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