Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
