don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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