someone threw a dead crab at me
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just found puke in my bra..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
