well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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