Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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