You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
