Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
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