Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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