she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
