hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
