No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
