I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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