i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
