I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
