I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
