This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
