what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
