she woke up with a sticky ear
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Someone came in the potted fern
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
