the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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