Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
3 2 1 whiskey
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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