Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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