u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
