literally had 100 drinks last night.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
