She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
