I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
