i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
