i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
