Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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