you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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