if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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