I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
