i think my tv is drunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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