One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
