oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
