just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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