Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
