Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
