Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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