You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
