I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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