How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
