Cold hands, warm shart.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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