We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
