The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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