i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
