miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
