Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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