just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
