Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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