Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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