I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
