Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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